How to survive toxic families

We all dream of being part of a loving, supportive family. A family where we feel cared for and understood. A place where we can find comfort, help and praise when life appears to be challenging. Every human being is entitled to a safe haven which can offer love, compassion and constitute our pillar of strength. Yet, many of us have the polar opposite experience. We grow up in families where we are not understood, viewed as unique individuals or supported during daring times. Our family members don’t appear to be supportive with what we perceive to be a success. Instead they want to put us down, clip our wings and show us their path to follow as the only way forward. We are often told that we are on the wrong path in danger of losing ourselves in life. We are threatened that we will end up penniless, loveless, childless and disrespected from friends and family unless we follow their advice.

Unfortunately, a school for parents has not yet been established. There is no obligatory training offered to parents. The schooling system doesn’t prepare us either to raise children or to face the emotional side of life. The result is hurt, emotionally wounded adults trying to raise children through trial and error or by applying the impaired parenting methods they inherited from their parents.

Parents carry their own life trauma and unresolved issues through experiencing life in their families of origin. Our personalities, life perspective, self perception and value system are set by 95% by the age of 5. A significant number of psychologists believe that they are set by the age of 3 years old. This might be a scary thought for a lot of people. The good news is that people can change their perceptions of themselves and the world later on in life. Psychotherapy can help individuals acquire more functional behavioural patterns.

Individuals who have been raised in a toxic, dysfunctional family environment, lack the template of a loving, supportive environment. They are harboring toxicity and pain in their souls which drive their actions. They have been told directly or indirectly that they are not good enough, that life is tough and they can never achieve happiness. The direction for happiness that a lot of families in different cultures instill in their kids is through financial success. High financial status is portrayed as the ultimate life goal which will cover all emotional needs. Parenting seems to revolve around the children’s education and not around teaching them that they are amazing just the way they are. Children nowadays are heavily penalised for not bringing home the best grades. As a result love is taken away from them in an attempt to avoid rewarding poor performance. Parents withhold love in order to punish them and motivate them to do better at school as financial success is the desired life goal.

Our children grow up feeling unimportant and unloved unless they conform to the parental life value system. They are trained to be conditionally loved and conditionally appreciated. They are overwhelmed with lists of things to do. Play, emotional fulfillment, personal preferences, their wishes, hobbies and desires are overlooked. They are taught that their personal aspirations are not important. Kids often feel that their families fail to even “see” them. They feel invisible. The key to a successful life is following the value system and rules of the authority figures and then love and acceptance might be given to them.

Adults tend to believe that children have an easy life and face no emotional challenges. Yet, this notion is very far from the truth. Children from the first 7 weeks of conception feel what we feel. They are attuned to our emotional world. They feel our sorrow, anxiety, happiness, optimism or desolation. They don’t know how to interpret the emotions they experience through reflection but they feel them strongly. In addition to experiencing our feelings they have to deal with an angry father or grandparent or a jealous sibling or unresponsive nanny. In some cases, young kids have to face abuse, be it emotional, mental or sexual. In many cases when the relationship with the parents does not feel safe, they will choose not to share their abusive experiences. In other cases, they will tell the parents and parents will either not believe them or do nothing to protect them.

Children don’t have the resources to protect themselves or escape a challenging, abusive reality. This is the responsibility of the caregivers. However, when the caregivers are victims of toxic, unsupportive families themselves, they don’t know how to be loving and supportive to their kids. They often treat themselves with the same harshness, punitive manner and disrespect. They will not feel love and praise for themselves unless they succeed in their life goals. Their self love is conditional as well as the love they express to their kids. They will not engage in self loving behaviour and activities but instead they will lead a life of stretching themselves to acquire more and earn more without the reward of praise or acknowledgement once the goal is reached.

It’s a vicious cycle which has being repeated for hundreds of years. Nowadays, we have the knowledge, research which helps us break the cycle and create future generations of happy, self confident, thriving children. Children who respect themselves and their needs find their path and passion in life, they are children who will grow up to be balanced adults capable of instilling the same love and self appreciation to their kids, thus creating a better world. Life doesn’t have to be hard. It doesn’t need to feel like a race with other members of our community. It can be an exciting journey to self fulfillment with trials and tribulations at times. Challenges are part of life and they are present in order to help us grow. They are not a punishment as we are often taught to believe. They can be our greatest teacher if we open up to the opportunity instead of feeling limited and restricted.

If you are a member of a toxic family, there is hope. Blaming your parents will not help the situation. They are victims of toxic families themselves. Their toxic parents taught them how to recreate the dysfunctional family pattern. Blaming others leads to shaming and when people feel ashamed; the default reaction is to attack the “blamer”.

I would suggest that the first step is to recognise that you have been exposed to a toxic environment and try to identify how your personality and behaviour has been affected and shaped as a result. We all have at least one loving, supportive individual in our lives. It could be a teacher, an aunt, grandparent or family friend. Reach out to your supportive contact and express how you feel. Ask for any kind of help you can get even if it is only talking, sharing or hugging. If you are a minor you can talk to your school counselor or director. In some countries there are child support organisations offering emotional support and intervention. You can seek the help of a psychotherapist and resolve your pain at any stage in life. Therapy will help you replace the dysfunctional perceptions and behavioural patterns with more loving, beneficial ones. As a result you will raise emotionally secure and self confident children who will experience life to be a blissful journey to happiness and self realisation.

If you would like to know more or you are seeking professional help you can get in touch with me HERE for an appointment.

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