Hurting your children through your parents

Have you ever caught yourself using the same hurtful phrases on your kids that your parents used on you?

The first memory of our child is daydreaming looking at the ultrasound photo of our first baby, making plans about the activities we will enjoy together and the love we will shower our child with. On many occasions we will forget about our plans and dreams under the stressful pressure of everyday life and sleepless nights. That is the moment we hear with horror the same hurtful, degrading phrases our parents used to shower us with. ‘How can you be so stupid?’, ‘You don’t deserve to be my son/daughter!’, ‘I wish I had never given birth to you!’, ‘Idiot!’, ‘Will you ever do this right?’, ‘You are an embarrassment!’, ‘I will disown you if you continue behaving in this manner!’. These hateful phrases bear no resemblance to the loving, supportive, affectionate phrases we once dreamt of empowering our children with. Yet, parents struggle to refrain from uttering such painful sentences although the guilt consumes their souls and minds. The most common technique parents use in order to sooth their guilty conscious, is to pacify themselves with the thought that they were subjected to the same treatment but they turned out fine.

The truth is that they did succeed in life, they got jobs, got married, got a life partner, made friends and created financial security. However, I am certain that if they were encouraged rather than being shut down, rejected and ridiculed they would have achieved significantly greater things in life and they would be happier and more comfortable in their skin.

Parents who continuously praise their children telling them how clever and creative they are in managing life situations will produce confident adults. Adults free of inferiority complexes and limiting beliefs. Adults who can enjoy life unapologetically, work without the fear of rejection and accept themselves as a whole. Parents have the vision of producing empowered children. Yet, their own unresolved trauma from their childhood is haunting them and inhibits their loving intentions to be materialised.

The promising news is that there is a solution to this vicious cycle. Parents should have therapy or at least group therapy before they decide to have children. In my professional opinion, teenagers between the ages of 16-18 would benefit from having therapy with the goal of resolving their own issues and hence enter the dating world with less pain or limiting beliefs in their minds and souls. We cannot predict at what age individuals will experience parenthood. Therefore, it’s advisable to prepare them for this life project and offer a therapeutic environment to recognise and resolve their emotional issues originating in their own childhood. Carrying less internal pain and having acquired functional behavioural patterns, they are bound to make better choices when choosing their partner.

I believe that individual counseling and educational programs with a counseling perspective can help them resolve their own issues and trauma. Hence providing a better childhood to their offspring. An emotionally healthy, functional, loving childhood will produce balanced, emotionally and mentally strong individuals who will be valuable citizens of the world. As a result, they will be capable of being kind to their spouses, children, neighbours, colleagues and fellow citizens. Hence, resolving conflict amicably and creatively. I would encourage the governments of the world to include this program in the last 2 years of high school. Such a revolutionary program will produce positive social change.

My personal vision for social change is for every citizen of this world to experience individual counseling or counseling programs preparing them for life. Family patterns, whether behavioural, professional or financial seem to be passed on from one generation to the next. A father who dropped out of school and didn’t pursue his dreams is more likely to have a son who will follow the same pattern. A mother who is battling depression and OCD is more likely to have daughter who will face the same difficulties, often at the same age or developmental stage. A mother who was put down, degraded by her father will probably behave in the same manner towards her children. We are victims of our parents traumatic childhood. Our parents were disrespected, mistreated as children and when they are faced with life’s challenges, they naturally resort to the techniques their parents taught them. Thus, dysfunctional behavioural patterns, value systems, limited self beliefs are being perpetuated in time.

My counseling approach can put an end to this vicious cycle, offering the opportunity for mentally and emotionally healthier children who will grow to become stable, self confident adults raising happy, blooming children. In 2-3 generations, the social change realised will give us more friendly, less stressful, supportive communities to live in. This is the most valuable gift a parent can offer his child. Instilling self-love, self-respect and self-validation which will reduce the current high rates of mental disorder. I hope that the social change will lead to fewer wars on earth and more creative, positive resolutions of conflict amongst nations. Additionally, social isolation will be less prominent. Individuals will feel supported and cared for by their caring spouses, neighbours, colleagues, family and community members. As a result suicide rate will decrease. Humans thrive when they live in encouraging, helpful societies and gain strength from them. I trust that when we will achieve this level of social change, we will enjoy significantly lower crime rates and fewer episodes of mental disorders. Thus, we will provide our children with a safer, more affectionate world to live in.

Isn’t this the dream of every parent?

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