7 Things Parents Do That Hurt Their Children – And They Don’t Even Know They’re Doing it

From the time they are born, children perpetually watch their parents, learning and mimicking our behaviours. They shape their value as individuals, their identities and perceptions of the world (either as a positive and safe place or a threatening and unsafe place) through us.

When, as parents, we speak to ourselves kindly and with respect, our children learn to love themselves. When we have love and balance in our lives on a professional and personal level, they reproduce it in their lives.

In fact, up to the time children are 10 to 12 years old, parents represent their whole universe. We are their heroes and protectors and they are unable to filter our messages (i.e. you are an idiot, life is tough). They just accept them, incapable of discarding the information they don’t agree with.

We shape our children’s personality when we tell them they are not good enough, when we yell at them, or compare them with other children/ourselves. Parents who experience anxiety, fear and anger teach their children that the world is a scary place that will hurt them. Hence, children will develop anxiety, low self-esteem, depression and possibly personality disorders. In reality, parents intend to warn and protect their children not scar them.

Indeed, the labels we attach to our children can act as powerful, self-fulfilling prophecies that can determine their future. Therefore, if you want your child to be successful and enhance his/her intelligence, try to avoid name calling such as stupid, idiot, or failure. Instead, tell them that they are unlimited, expansive, utterly lovable and capable of achieving the future they desire. Read them stories about others who overcame the limitations of their lives, bodies, or culture. Help them see how they can achieve what seems impossible.

Here are some great ways to show, teach and coach your kids to have empathy, so they will make good choices in life for themselves and others.

1. Avoid fighting: While it would be unrealistic to expect parents never to fight in front of their child, they should avoid name calling and yelling at each other, or assassinating each other’s characters. That’s because children will often take the side of the “weak” parent and grow to resent the aggressive/strong parent, causing the family to become triangulated.
2. Steer clear of negative phrases: Adults still recall with tears in their eyes phrases such as: “You will never make anything of yourself!”, “How can you be so stupid!”, “No one will ever want to be with you!”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister/cousin?”, “You are the biggest mistake of my life!”, “I wish I never had you”.
3. Give them attention: When parents neglect their children emotionally — whether it is done actively, or passively by being on their phones or computers — they feel unimportant and burdensome. They will either become clingy, or accept their destiny and feel unlovable. They are also more likely to attract future abusive partners or friends.
4. Be aware of “conditional” love: Parents often love their children conditionally, and are not even aware of this behavior. Children should not be told that will receive a gift only when they perform exceptionally well. The gift or reward should be given to them because they are loved, special, unique. The reward should be independent of good behavior or performance. In the event children are loved or rewarded conditionally, they are likely to become anxious, insecure overachievers, and unable to recognize their value in the absence of high performance/success.
5. Love yourself: Children are like sponges. They absorb the messages we convey consciously or otherwise (eg., a mother who speaks negatively about herself will teach her child to have low self-esteem). Parents who are perpetually angry will raise children that feel guilty, or hide from life, or exhibit the same aggressive behaviour. If you love yourself and others; if you feel safe in life regardless of the conditions in your life, you will raise secure, loving children with a positive worldview.
6. Manage your emotions: Parents need to be aware of feelings that can be bad examples for their kids (i.e. hatred, anger, resentment, self-criticism). Attempting to bury or ignore negative emotions will only lead to an emotional breakdown or explosion. Seek professional help and persevere in changing the emotions and habits that are draining you. This process will teach your kid to seek help when he/she doesn’t feel emotionally stable. We need to normalise mental health management and treatment.
7. Teaching values: The best way to instill positive values in children is to live by them. Giving them simple choices according to their ability to communicate (1 year old and onwards) will also help them develop a positive values system. An example would be: “Your brother has the flu and he can’t eat ice cream. Do you want to have tea with honey with him so that he doesn’t feel sad and excluded? Or do you want to have ice cream that will probably make him sad?”

Maria Micha has had more than two decades of counselling families towards healthier habits and creating positive home environments. She believes that creating nurturing foundations for early childhood development has the greatest impact on young lives.

© Maria Micha. All Rights Reserved. All articles and content belong to Maria Micha and may not be reproduced or used without express permission.