Infidelity 2.0

From celebrity scandals to the common Joe in your workplace, in today’s world it is hard to go about your day without hearing about cheating in one form or the other. This article delves into the relationship between low self-esteem as a correlating factor with infidelity as a cause of why this occurs so frequently.

Infidelity, adultery, cheating, treachery; all of these words define an act that has been committed since the beginning of time. Researchers have conducted countless studies on infidelity to find out why people cheat. While they’ve come up with good theories, there’s no one sure thing we can point to that signals doom for an otherwise happy relationship. However, there are several factors and circumstances that can influence an individual to cheat such as low self-esteem and stress.

As there are different types of infidelity, it begs the question of what is considered actual betrayal within a relationship. Over the years the definition has broadened to include sexual infidelity (sexual exchange with no romantic involvement), romantic infidelity (romantic exchanges with no sexual involvement) and sexual and romantic involvement.
Research from the American Association of Marriage and Family therapy which found that 45-50% of men and women have admitted to having an emotional affair compared to the 20% admitting to a physical one.

Is low self-esteem a factor?
If the cheating individual is not receiving the attention they think they deserve from their partner, it is very likely that they will go looking for that reassurance that they are attractive, lovable and worthy from someone else. What they may not realise is that every time they succumb to this behaviour their self-esteem can drop even further. Either from guilt or the fact that it is self-perpetuating behaviour that is very hard for them to break. The more they cheat, the harder it is to break the habit. Therefore, soon enough and without being consciously aware they become trapped in the vicious cycle of cheating and feeling guilty about the ‘legitimate’ spouse/partner making promises to themselves they will not cheat again and finding themselves giving in to the self-esteem boost/pleasure of cheating.

Gradually, their self-image is altered and they no longer define themselves as honest, genuine individuals. They lose faith in themselves as they no longer trust the promises of stopping the infidelity, they have sworn by on multiple occasions but failed to stick to them. This torturing cycle is hard to break without professional intervention; which often leads to depression, severe anxiety as well as alters basic personality traits of the cheating party.

People who commit infidelity will often say ‘I don’t recognise myself or my actions’. The damaging cycle of ‘cheating, getting sexual pleasure and feeling guilty’ is activating strong significant centres in the brain that produce immense pleasure and release hormones such as oxytocin and serotonin that create euphoria and bond the sexual partners. These hormones make the break up challenge since the brain is singling the cheating party to continue seeking the pleasure.

The Effects of Infidelity
On the other hand, one can argue that low self-esteem is an almost sure trait in partners who have been cheated on. They would find it hard to believe that they are lovable or worthy of a relationship because they were unable to provide their partner with what they need.

Based upon a lifetime of conditioning, victims of infidelity will understandably internalise their spouse’s actions and find ways to blame and devalue themselves. It is common for someone who has experienced infidelity to question whether or not they are attractive, smart, or desirable. Rather than recognising and appreciating their value, they will often tell themselves that if they had done something differently their significant other would not have cheated.

It is no surprise that infidelity leads to divorce and families breaking up, with children in question having to go through a lot of trauma and distress due to this. In addition, a plethora of distrust grows between involved family members and the cheating spouse and it causes a volatile environment for children to grow up in. This in turn can eventually lead to the children adapting to the same behaviours in the future. Hence, the cycle of cheating, self-hurt, hurting loved ones is perpetuated as we imitate our parents through social learning.

Where can you go from here?
If the pair decide to stay together, the victim of infidelity needs to have the confidence to establish boundaries and expectations for their partners’ future behaviour as well as receive couple’s counseling. Although counselling can offer relief and a different perspective of understanding the emotional challenges of the cheating partner, the anxiety that comes with the breaking of trust will remain for a significant amount of time. Though the stress experienced by parents puts a tremendous amount of stress and strain on children and other family members, it is possible to work through infidelity and to come out victorious the other side. It is important for the partners to maintain a healthy and open conversation about feelings in order to be honest and take the relationship forward. It is also crucial for the cheating party to understand the negative effect of their actions and feel remorse whilst engaging in counselling to rebuild their self-esteem and resolve any unconscious anger/resentment towards his/her parents or partner.

In every culture and every religion, adultery, cheating and infelicity whatever you want to call it is deemed wrong and immoral. It is important for dissatisfied partners to voice their concerns with their partners before committed an act that dooms both sides to a lifetime of guilt and low feelings of self-worth.

Citations
Eaves, S., & Robertson-Smith, M. (2007). The Relationship Between Self-Worth and Marital Infidelity: A Pilot Study. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 15(4), 382-386.

Dana A. Weiser, Daniel J. Weigel, Camille B. Lalasz and William P. Evans, Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity, Journal of Family Issues, 38, 15, (2083), (2017).

Douglas K. Snyder, Treatment of clients coping with infidelity: An introduction, Journal of Clinical Psychology, 61, 11, (1367-1370), (2005).

Benjamin Warach and Lawrence Josephs, The aftershocks of infidelity: a review of infidelity-based attachment trauma, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 10.1080/14681994.2019.1577961, (1-23), (2019).

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