Abusive relationships and what to do about them

Everybody’s dream is a compassionate, loving, supporting relationship. However, reality often strikes, rearing its ugly head. The romantic words and gestures which our partner used to shower us with are transformed into name calling and diminishing labels. In some cases, physical violence is an integral part of the relationship. Physical abuse is frequently reported to be more painful on an emotional level than on a physical level. It’s challenging to comprehend that the person you love and consider to be your pillar of strength in life, is willing to inflict such pain on you. The sensation of being disregarded, overlooked and degraded feels like acid eroding your body internally.

Women are more likely than men to experience violence in a relationship. In the collective subconscious mind of some men, females are perceived as weak and hence tolerating violence. Children who have been abused by a parent, brother, sister or uncle are more likely than the ones who have not had such experiences to select an abusive partner. Some of the young violent males have images and memories of their violent fathers and grandfathers who believed they did nothing wrong by physically abusing their wives. Society would tolerate such behavior towards women. Our grandmothers were often advised by their mothers to be patient with their husbands and do everything in their power to avoid disappointing their spouse in order to avoid physical punishment.

It’s only lately that abusive behavior is condemned by society and the law protects women from their partners’ aggression. The abused party is left feeling ashamed, scared to share their troubles and pain with family and friends. The abuser has succeeded in blaming them for the abuse. They are told they deserve the beating as they have failed to perform and they are worthless. With time they learn to believe the abuser and internalise an extremely low self worth and self esteem. The abuser will often tell them that nobody else would love or tolerate them as they are worthless. They are brainwashed to believe that they are lucky they have a place to stay and they still have a partner as no one else would ever love them. The aggressive partner is deliberately diminishing their self worth and confidence knowing that they will feel helpless, valueless and continue putting up with their inhumane behaviour as there is nowhere else to go.

The greatest challenge when treating abused people is to reconstruct their self esteem and personality. The words and the brutality they have experienced in their bodies and psyche are deeply ingrained. Unconditional love, understanding and patience for them in order to rebuild their self worth, are the best medicines for the occasion.

In the unfortunate event that you find yourself in a verbally, emotionally or physically abusive relationship, try to not attribute the behavior to difficult circumstances. Resist the impulse to make excuses for your partner. Stay with reality. An angry person is not going to change if their boss starts being nicer to them or their father recognizes them or starts earning more money. They will probably have to have therapy in order to change and a positive result is not guaranteed. An angry person is definitely a person in pain but it’s not your responsibility to alleviate their pain especially when they don’t appear to respect your undeniable right to love and affection. When he/she says they love you once the abuse is over, they are not lying. Yet, their definition of love is different from yours and the average individual. Their definition of love is a vicious cycle of a ‘honeymoon’ period after the aggressive episode followed by anger and violence. Gradually the honeymoon period shrinks in length, giving its place to pure violence.

Keep telling yourself that there is nothing you could have done to deserve verbal or physical aggression. Loving, balanced people talk about their troubles trying to find an amicable solution to relationship difficulties. Violence is never the answer. You don’t need to put up with this! You were born to be unconditionally loved and cared for. Once you believe it, the people who can offer such emotions, will appear in your life. Talk to family members and seek their help. In the event that you don’t have family or they are unwilling to help, talk to your friend’s, community, church, temple, colleagues or neighbors. Find the courage to leave the abusive partner even if he is threatening you. Find the strength and the courage to file a police report against him. In most countries there are government funded programs to protect and offer shelter to battered women and their children.

We often find ourselves feeling alone without anyone to support us but if we manage to disconnect from the fear and helplessness, we will think of a person who can help us. This person could be the compassionate school principal from our school days or the lunch lady who was loving towards us or maybe a person that is close to us. You are not alone. Where there is a will there is always a way. You were born destined to receive love, support, affection not anger and abuse. Give yourself your birthright.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and don’t know where to start or you are seeking professional help you can get in touch with me HERE for an appointment.

© Maria Micha. All Rights Reserved. All articles and content belong to Maria Micha and may not be reproduced or used without express permission.