The Modern Problem with Intimate Relationships

Dating and intimate relationships have changed dramatically during the last 30 years. In the past, individuals who felt attracted would take time to get to know each other, talk about life, their aspirations, and gradually allow their feelings to evolve into a relationship. Nowadays, people jump into intimate relationships without much forethought regarding what they want from each other, what they hope to experience, what they are willing to offer to their partner, or what relationship outcome they would be happy with. There are currently various types of intimate/sexual relationships that people can contemplate that our ancestors would not recognize.

There is the possibility of “friends with benefits,” “sex buddies,” “cuddle buddies,” “exclusively hooking up,” “dating,” and finally “in an intimate committed relationship.” All of these terms complicate and confuse young people regarding the true meaning of relationships; what it feels like to be committed to one person or if it is even necessary to be committed to one person. A significant proportion of teenagers and adults are questioning the validity and benefits of intimate committed relationships; as they have seen their friends, parents, or family members experience emotional pain due to breakups, infidelity, and rejection. However, disagreements, fights, and temporary break ups can be integral parts of any intimate relationship which could lead to the realization that partners are not a good match. Rejection, failure, and emotional pain cannot be removed from life and could be seen as wonderful opportunities to grow, learn and understand what we want from life, significant others, and love.

Unfortunately, when people get hurt they reach the conclusion that relationships are difficult and hence pointless. They often decide that committed relationships should have no place in our modern world. They become convinced that it is impossible and impracticable to maintain a relationship. As a result, people often lose faith in emotional relationships. The aforementioned process will frequently drive people to become emotionally unavailable in an attempt to protect themselves from hurting.

I believe that one of the greatest challenges in our modern world is the fast-growing proportion of emotionally unavailable individuals on all levels of human connection; intimate, social, familial, and professional. The widespread increase of freedom in our societies is often ill perceived and interpreted as the freedom to pursue the next person, the next friend, or the next job. I am not implying that freedom is not beneficial. On the contrary; many generations have fought for the establishment of personal freedom. Yet, the concept of freedom can be misconstrued and utilized to justify the lack of patience, or lack of trying to work on intimate relationships, friendships, and relationships with colleagues. As a result, individuals who feel free to move away from a challenging relationship will not improve their relationship skills, will not learn how to compromise, or how to respect the needs of others and integrate them in their lives.

What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable and how can it cause problems?
The term “emotionally unavailable” usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and significant others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. It is hard for an emotionally unavailable person to understand or empathize with what another individual is feeling. Emotionally unavailable people find solace in sexual relationships void of emotional bonds; as they can avoid experiencing threatening emotions (i.e. rejection, criticism, infidelity). However, they don’t realize that emotional unavailability might protect them from being hurt but will also shield them from experiencing loving, comforting, and soothing feelings. This phenomenon is becoming a social trend and young people are more prone to developing an emotional barrier that will protect them from getting hurt. Yet, the emotional barrier will also make it impossible to experience the intoxicating and soothing effects of love. In some cases, people can be unavailable due to mental illnesses (individuals living with personality disorders) and/or a troubled childhood. Others artificially prioritize a family obligation, education, a significant project, or a health concern over intimate relationships; which can be a form of escapism to avoid falling in love and possibly getting hurt. It’s important to comprehend the benefits of a close emotional bond with other people; as it can offer immense comfort and support that will enable us to plough through challenging times in our lives.

The incapability to formulate and maintain intimate relationships can also stem from a sense of entitlement. Individuals feel strongly they can do better and often move on to a different relationship; a phenomenon usually present in other parts of their lives. This freedom we face in our society whether it is manifested on an emotional realm or financially, affects individuals as it gives them the means to feel erroneously independent and take care solely of their own needs. They may feel that their freedom is curtailed as soon as they are answerable to a partner, and hence decide to avoid relationships altogether.

This sense of entitlement and freedom can be passed down to their children who will be bought up with the notion that moving on from one partner to the next or from one job to the next, is a good practice and their prerogative in life. The challenge is teaching our children how to differentiate between moving away from a challenging relationship due to insurmountable differences in perspective, or unhealthy behavioral patterns and identifying if they can work on a relationship when there is good foundation and love.

The younger generations frequently feel that instead of ‘settling’ like the previous generations did, they have the choice to find their ideal partner; which is a wonderful development. Yet, in order to find the ideal partner, we need to work on ourselves, evolve our relationship skills, our ability to empathize and comprehend the needs/perspective of significant others. The notion: “Why settle when there is the possibility of somebody better just around the corner?” will not help us acquire important and necessary relationship skills.

To sum up, the fast-paced life that most of us experience drives us to go and find a partner ourselves instead of idle and waiting for the right person to come along. Yet, this can diminish our sense of emotional stability and sense of self. Apps such as Tinder offer instant gratification and the fake empowerment of being capable to move on in a fast pace from one partner to the next. However, a lot of those apps promote purely sexual relationships which offer pleasure but also significant confusion regarding relationship satisfaction and emotional stability. People are often swayed towards sexual relationships due to the perceived ease of such relationships and the absence of emotional strings. Purely sexual relationships are considered to entail diminished opportunities for emotional turmoil. However, research shows that a truly loving, comforting and supportive intimate relationship can enhance our levels of happiness and life contentment.

How counselling can help promote and encourage healthy and emotionally driven relationships
Our partners should add and enhance our already existing happiness
Through counselling, individuals can be helped to understand how to be more open and vulnerable in their relationships. It can aid them to learn how to focus on other people and use this to better themselves in the process. Additionally, it is important for people to define love and how to navigate their relationships moving forward as this process will allow them to overcome the challenges they are facing. Although, the realization that the problem also lies within themselves can be painful, the resolution of residual hurt and heartache can be achieved through therapy.

We explicitly say we want to find the “right person” yet everything we do makes this more difficult. When we don’t give people a chance, we don’t give ourselves a chance to identify what we could love in them. When we prioritize and focus solely on sex, we degrade the value of intimacy. In other words, we encourage emotionally distant connections. It’s crucial that people go back to their roots and learn how to love, empathize, and collaborate with others. This cycle of emotional unavailability can be detrimental. Happiness can be manifested in various forms. It can be found in marriage and kids, in traveling the world, in professional attainment; whilst other people find life fulfilment in offering their life to medical research. Yet, in order to create a better, happier world, we need to learn from our traditional values and develop strong emotional bonds with significant others. Humankind needs individuals who are ready to love, be loved, commit, and evolve to be emotionally resilient to potential heartache.

Our childhood can teach us to value love; but our institutions, cities, and technology often drive us to fear commitment and put choice first.

Citations
1. Oishi, S. (2010). The Psychology of Residential Mobility: Implications for the Self, Social Relationships, and Well-Being. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 5(1), 5–21.

2. Conley, T. D., Matsick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships: Theories, Methods, and New Directions. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205–232.

3. Sturge-Apple, M. L., Davies, P. T., & Cummings, E. M. (2006). Hostility and withdrawal in marital conflict: Effects on parental emotional unavailability and inconsistent discipline. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(2), 227-238.
4. Collins, B. C. (1998). Emotional Unavailability. ; Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap. McGraw-Hill Trade.

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